Another guest post from Mike. This time I am not drunk, but according to WebMD I might be suffering some sort of breakdown.

Darn you Obama.

When I am drunk, really drunk, I like to tell people how much I love Michele Bachmann. I tell people of my 2012 dream ticket of Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin (I am not a Democrat or Republican. In 08 I actually wrote in Tina Fey for President, Tina Fey playing Sarah Palin for Vice President, and I voted for Minna for sheriff and in the elections before that I voted for Nader. Yes, even when Nader went all crazy), and how I am investing in gold bars, Hormel canned chili and guns in preparation for the eventual collapse of the US. When my friends are also drunk, or when Minna is in any state of inebriation, this drives them into a crazy frenzy that you would only think is reserved for drunken debates about Brett Farve on the Vikings, Kierkegaard, if Jesus could beat Xenu, or good old discussions about why changes in allele frequencies over time freaks out some much of the US population.

New Stimulus Plan.

Sadly, I have come to some of the same conclusions when I am sober as when I am drunk. I am not Bachman crazy, but when I am I filling out those retirement planning risk assessments, I really am thinking about what ETF I should buy to hedge against the collapse of the United States as we know it. Ok, maybe that is on the crazy spectrum, but how the heck are we going to pay back so much money?

Instead of being all whiny about the collapse of our country, I have a plan. I am going to get one person off of welfare a month. I started with my friend from High School. He wanted to go to technical college, so he could do some sort of electronics stuff. You were probably reading that and humming some sappy inspirational song in your head, and you are probably thinking this is some sort of Christmas wish story where I pay for his schooling. Forget that. That is what Obama has all my money and all those Chinese people’s money for. And, before my friend can start college he had to finish his GED. My plan is more hands on. Since time is critical, I went into Billy Madison mode, and I took his GED test for him.

The good news is I passed. Yippeeee! The bad news is that even with my $180 calculator, being 2 classes shy of completing a Math major, and tons of Physics classes in college, I only scored a 80 something on the Math part of the test. Doh! On the English, Science and Social Studies parts I did ok. Some questions were very strange though. Here is one question that I had to guess on:

In 1959, rebel forces led by Fidel Castro overthrew the government of Cuba. Castro’s communist dictatorship seized privately owned farms and factories. People who spoke out against the government were imprisoned. From the 1960s through the 1980s, many people fled from Cuba to the United States.

Question:

Based on these conditions, the reasons for this migration were:

A. Health concerns.

B. Economic concerns.

C. Racial concerns.

D. Environmental concerns.

The answer was “a”.  I imagine the test creator was thinking, “People were thrown in jail, and they died in there, and other people did not want to die in jail so they moved.” Summing up the Cuban plight for freedom  as “Health Concerns” is a little weird to me, so I just did not get it.

Ultimatum for Minna.

Oh well, I passed, and we are one person closer to economic recovery. Unfortunately, now, I am down on my luck and I need a housing bailout from you, Minna. We have been living with your parents since Dec 1st, and I have self diagnosed myself as going fucking bonkers, Your parents are great. The problem is where we are living. I will not name the city, because it is actually pretty nice. It is just not for me.

- I cannot take driving an hour one way to get anywhere but this city.
- I cannot take being cooped up in the middle of nowhere. I need trails, or at least a sidewalk, or at least a dirt path, to run on. I cannot run on the side of some county highway, or I will be on the news for getting hit by a pickup truck. And I cannot run between people’s barbed wire fences, or I will be on the news for getting kidnapped by some locals.
- I cannot take eating TGI Fridays $20 special anymore. It is a great value, I grant you that, but I have had my fill of Tuscan Spinach Dip.
- I cannot take hanging out at Cabellas anymore. Cabellas is far from the city, because you are only meant to go to it once in a while. You go there during hunting season or when you need to get supplies for fishing. We cannot have date night there anymore. I will not have another romantic caribou burger in their cafeteria with you.

Minna, your parent’s house is in the Bachman district, so here is my ultimatum. While you have been looking for big ass brand new looks-like-the-suburbs barfed up cookie cutter houses, I have been searching for houses in good old Minneapolis. It turns out we can get pretty close to Lake Harriet or the creek. Agree to move back to Minneapolis *now* - or at least the part of Edina that is West of 100. If my demands are not met, I am going to stay with your Mom and Dad until 2012 and vote for Bachman. If you also meet my demands by the end of Dec, I will remove the car’s radio preset for 100.3 (100.3 is the channel Rush and Hannity are on), and you will never have to listen to Rush for 3 hours straight again (3 hours is about the time it takes to get Max to school and back).

Deal?

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